I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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