Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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