three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
