I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
