the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
