I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
