I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
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