I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
