I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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