Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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