why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
