she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
