I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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