I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
