i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
