I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
