Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
