honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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