if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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