My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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