i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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