Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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