what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
