I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
