God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.