Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
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Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
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I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy