There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward