she takes plan B like it's going out of style
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it's great music for shaving your balls
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life