I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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