I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
