I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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