3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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