i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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