In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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