So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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