I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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