saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
