Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
