Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
