Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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