I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
