He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
