Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
