Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
