The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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