why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
