The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
