If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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