Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
