I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Everclear isn't food dammit
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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