my mouth tastes like poor choices
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
