The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
