Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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