You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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