his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
