I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
