I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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