I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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