I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
