So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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